A Year...and So Little Time

( this post was written June 2016)

I could have sworn I have only missed a month or two since my last post here. Apparently my ability to feel and tell time sucks haha.

Christmas last year was good. Not my favorite year for sure. It was an off year with the kids so we didn't have them on Christmas Morning. We also gave up our New Year's Eve and Day with the kids to their bio mom because her side of the family was in town so we let them be with their visiting family they rarely see. So all in all, being majorly pregnant, not having the kids for the majority of the events and working full time the whole time, did not make it my favorite year at all.

On a super sad note, my Aunt Jeri died. I was contacted by a friend of the family through Facebook to let us know. Crazy how Facebook has become one of the leading tools in human communication these days. I'm starting to forget what life was like without it. My aunt was a great woman. She died too young. She was in her late 50's. I loved her very much. She loved me too and I am grateful I can say that knowing it was true. Sometimes I still think she's in Ohio and I can just message her online to say hi. It's never easy to accept that someone is truly gone.

In January Mitchell turned 8! His baptism was the first weekend in February. He was so excited to be able to have this opportunity. Owen was able to baptize him and I was so grateful baby Aria held on from coming early so we could get through that awesome day. His bio mom did the decorations and I did the food. I was grateful we could get along long enough to get through this event with all the family involved. Mitchell was so cute that day. I cannot believe he is growing up so fast. Getting so big and so smart but still keeps his cute funny humor about him.

February 23rd marks a huge day in mine and Aria's lives. I went into the hospital to be induced to have Aria. I was already 1 week late. I had tried everything to go into labor; spicy food, stepping up and down on the curb outside and my stairs, exercising, being intimate, the prego pizza at Cafe Trio, foot massages, squats, talking to baby, putting music down low so baby would respond and maybe try to vacate....etc. I did literally EVERYTHING. But on February 23rd, I was still pregnant. Scheduled to go in at 8pm. The hospital ended up being busy that night so they asked me to come in at 9 instead. We arrived at 9 and got checked in. Owen made comfy on the couch and I got all strapped in to the monitors on the bed. They gave me the first phase of a three phase process. Phase one was to soften my cervix by taking a pill every three hours until the morning. Phase two was to begin the Pitocin to get me contracting and induce the baby. Phase three was to begin pushing, etc. After the first pill to soften my cervix, I went into labor on my own. I started contracting. My contractions moved to 7 min apart then 5 then 2 minutes apart. They hurt so bad. I didn't know if I could get my epidural yet because I thought we were still in phase 1. So I asked for pain meds and the nurse gave me a narcotic. For one hour I felt relatively good but could still feel the contractions come on. Then I had to pee. I got up with the help of a CNA. Once I got into the bathroom, I started to shake uncontrollably. I asked for help but no one came. I managed to make my way to the door and get it open and called for Owen. He had been sleeping on the couch. He woke up and jumped up to come help me before he was even fully awake. I startled him for sure. He came over and helped me to the bed. At this point I was shaking so badly he was getting freaked out. I got in the bed and he called for the nurse. She came and hooked me back up to the machines. I started to get a fever at this point. She said she was going to get the Anesthesiologist to come in and give me my epidural. All in all, I was contracting every 2 minutes for about 3-4 hours. Finally the anesthesiologist came. I sat up and forward. He tried to put the needle between two lower vertebrae but kept hitting bone. He tried 8 times. Finally he had to go higher than usual. Apparently those lower vertebrae are fused together. Lovely. I knew I had back issues but I wasn't sure what exactly was the issue.
So he administered the epidural in between the higher vertebrae. A few minutes later, machines were beeping. people were running in the room and they were laying me back on the bed putting a mask on my face trying to figure out whatr was going on with me. My heartrate was dropping, the baby's heartrate was dropping, our bloodpressures were also dropping. They gave me a shot of terbutaline. Once they got me stabilized, I was able to try and rest. My pain for my contractions was alleviated for a while and I tried to sleep. After that kind of event though, I felt so much anxiety and my lungs felt weird to breathe since the numbing agent was put in higher than normal. Needless to say, I didn't really sleep after that.
The labor was going well for a few hours. I was dilating steadily and they were saying I might be done and have my baby there by 3pm.....
By 8pm, however, they started talking about C-section options. the weird thing is, I had been dilating fine, until they suggested to take Pitocin so we could speed it up even more. I almost didn't take it because I felt weird about it. But instead I trusted the doctor to know what we were doing. So I took the pitocin...and then I stalled. Go figure. I really thought for a minute there that I would be forced to do a C-section. Owen and I really didn't want that to happen. By 8:30, they did my last check and luckily (miraculously) I was at full dilation and they started prepping me to push. I have to say, I feel like the true thing that helped me be ready to push was my nurse. The one I had all day was nice, but the one that changed shifts and came on in the evening, came in and took over with ideas like the peanut ball and changing my positions, etc. She was amazing! She prepped me when ready and I started to push. Owen and I had talked about it and we didn't think he would want to watch the actual birth. But he was by my side and holding my leg and helping me breathe through it. So when it came time, he was actually really excited to be able to see Aria being born. My mom was also in the room as moral support.
After 45 minutes of pushing, Aria was born at 9:14pm on February 24th, 2016 weighing 8 lbs 8 oz and 21" long. She came out and they laid her against my chest. They had told us she may need immediate care because there was marconium in the water when they broke it. Meaning she had pooped in the amniotic fluid. This can cause her lungs to be full of merconium so they needed to have pediatricians on stand by at the birth in case she needed to be suctioned.
When she came out, she took a big breath and began to cry on her own. This, of course, made both me and Owen cry. They laid her on my chest and she continued to cry. Then I spoke to her and handed her my finger. She gripped it in her hand and stopped crying almost immediately after hearing my voice. I love our little angel. She touched my soul the moment she was born and owns my heart.

She latched right away when trying to breastfeed and would stop crying when she was comforted by people who love her in the room. Such a good baby.
I was able to eat a sandwich then was taken to my room to begin the recovery process and spend time with my husband and my baby. They took her sugars, weight and all other pertinent things. But, by 5am, they took her blood sugar again. Instead of being 75 like the night before, it had dropped to 24. My nurse fed her a bottle of formula to see if they could get her sugars up. Afterward, her sugars was still too low. so they took and admitted her to the Special Care unit with an IV put in her arm.

For the next 4 days, I was hiking back and forth from my room to the special care unit. I basically never slept and stressed for days on end about the health of our baby. Friday night, we were discharged but Aria was not. The hospital let us stay in the family courtesy room near the special care nursery so we could be near her and I could still feed her. The room was at the end of a weird hallway. It had no windows and no wifi and flourescent lighting. Basically, the worst possible room a new mother who hadn't seen the sky in 4 days and who has walked off an emotional cliff hormonally could stay in. Don't get me wrong, I was sincerely grateful they had somewhere we could stay to be near her. But the truth is, that was some of the hardest days of my life. My anxiety levels were escalated ten fold by the sleep deprivation and stress of Aria being in the special care unit. I don't wish it on anyone. On Saturday, they were able to ween her off the IV and test her after a few feedings to make sure her sugar levels were high enough to sustain without assistance. They also cleared her of any infections since she was born with a slight temperature. I honestly started crying on Saturday when they told us she could probably be discharged. I was so extremely grateful.

Because she had to do the Special Care nursery, they hadn't done any of her normal things yet like the hearing test or even her first bath by daddy yet. So once they cleared her from that unit, we were able to do the bath and her tests and my personal favorite, remove the IV from her arm. The nurse had her taped up so horribly, it really did a number on her tiny baby skin. I was so grateful to get all of that removed and hold my baby the way nature always intended....without cables needles and wiring separating us.

A week later, the doctor was nervous about the weight loss she was experiencing. She dropped to 7 lbs. 9 oz. that is a little more than 10% of her birth weight. Due to this, I had to start supplementing formula with breast milk. I was able to keep up the breastfeeding for about 2.5 months before she stopped accepting the breast milk. She was doing great with both but eventually, I just wasn't producing enough for her to really benefit anymore from it. Luckily, I had breastfed enough that she was able to get the benefits of the good parts of it and we were able to truly connect. Happily, after a few weeks of supplementing, her weight started going up really well. I'm proud to say we have a chubbier happy baby on our hands now :) I love her so much! I am so proud of her strength and her ability to get through everything we went through like a champ.

We are now at about 3.5 months old and she is darling as ever! She started cooing more. Squealing, humming and shouting is a major part of her vernacular right now. :) She loves her kicky toys and is learning to shake her rattles. Her favorite movie is Disney's Tinker Bell. Before you go off blaming me of coersing her to like fairies or these movies, I have tried many different movies and shows but she honestly watches and giggles at watching Tinker Bell. Other movies, she'll get disinterested and look away. But with Tinker Bell, she watches intently and loves it.

She has been finding more of her voice lately and screeches at a very high pitch when she is excited. Her tummy time has gotten even stronger and her smile is so infectious. She is my heart.

The changes in everything have been good. It's been a huge culture shock  but it's good  because this has begun my self searching for the next chapter in my life. I'm so excited to see where the future takes me and my husband and my family. I love little Aria. She is absolutely wonderful to have. Even though raising a baby is a difficult chore, it has been such a huge blessing in my life.

Thankful

Most years, I admit I kind of get irritated when people post every single day of November something they are thankful for. Don't get me wrong, I am not anti gratefulness. Not in any way! But I start feeling like it's in-genuine and like they feel forced to come up with something each day just because they said they would. Then you get those things like, "I am thankful for paint that stays on the walls but washes off my hands" type of thing. I just never have bought into that kind of gratefulness sharing.

However, this month, my heart is very full of Thankfulness. More so than most I think. I have so much I am thankful for. On the very top of the list, though, I would say is this:

I am so incredibly thankful for the ability I have to grow this miraculous baby inside me.

I have had friends, family and colleagues who have had difficulties or problems with either getting pregnant, staying pregnant, or giving birth. As a woman, even one who wasn't sure how many, if any, children I was going to have, I have always thought it's just what our bodies are made to do...but then watch in agony as someone I love cries through the pain of losing their child, or never experiencing the joy that it is (and sometimes disbelief) that the stick shows positive. I am humbled by this experience. It is no small feet and is also truly miraculous. I feel some women take it for granted. So many get pregnant and go, well yeah of course because I'm a woman. No. This is incorrect. For whatever reason, I have known so many, seemingly unbelievable numbers of women that experience complications with this act of what most call "nature". Be it genetic, their environmental circumstances, the male side having an issue or whatever the case may be, I have learned this experience is truly unique for all and I am so incredibly thankful to be counted among those able to participate in the creation of a child. This is my child. I feel her move, her flutter, her elbow and kick me and I have moments of (or constant) uncomfortability with my own body. My back aches, my lower abdominal ligaments scream every time I stand up, my feet don't look human but rather resemble something like that of a fat footed troll, my hands have decided to play the sausage fingers game, my chest and heart have become pyrotechnic hobbyists, my intestines fight the baby constantly for who's in charge and I'm pretty sure the anxiety my mind produces through this entire experience is going to cause my husband to drug me with medication the minute it's over.....

Through it all. I am so happy. She is growing. I am capable of this. My body can do this. I am so thankful. I will never fully understand the pain of those who do not have this ability though I had the fear for a while that I wouldn't be able to. I am thankful. I will never take this for granted and I will forever be happy knowing she is a product of Owen and I. We love you little Belly Baby!

Today Tomorrow and Forever

I love my family. I sincerely do. We are not the traditional bunch. When I was a little girl, I pictured getting famous for years, then I pictured a family and kids but in the standard traditional sense of one husband, lots of kids, fun, noise, travel and traditions. I moved a lot as a kid and while I absolutely loved the adventure it brought my life, I guess I always figured I'd settle down.

Well my story hasn't gone the way I "knew" it would when I was younger. I used to have issues recapping my story in my own mind. Thinking, "how did this happen this way??". I used to have dark days where I would cry feeling like I had become such a failure in my life. I never thought I would get divorced. I never thought the skeletons in my own closet would exist. Not ever. I grew up trying my whole life to always do the right thing. I had moments where I would kick against and try to be independent of rules...but eventually caved because I hate feeling like I have done the wrong thing.
Now, looking back, I think I didn't know how to make any good decisions  in my life. There are lots of things I could blame, but that story is probably a novel I'll write one day. To sum up, I got married before I knew myself, before he knew himself, and while I was a struggling with my identity, my faith, my values and my goals. In short, I devoted my life to supporting others so much that one day, I just exploded out in all the wrong directions. Like a girl struggling with an eating disorder that started a no sugar diet....I binged on all the wrong chocolate cake I could find.....

I have come to believe with all my heart we have to be who we are NOT, in order to learn who we really are.

A couple years ago, a friend of mine gave me this saying that I have hung in my cubicle at work ever since:

This quote has helped me so much through the years. I, by nature, am a person that begins to rot when I dwell on my anxiety and the past that I cannot change. It has taken me years to truly "own my story".  It has been quite the road for me.

One of the hardest things I have ever had to do is crawl back to my faith on my hands and knees. I say it this way because it is not something I decided to do lightly. The faith in which I believe is not a church that is simple to be a part of. It is a lifestyle. A decision to be not only a certain type of person, but a person that commits to many many things most would see as sacrifices. But in evaluating where I had been, where I was going, and who I truly had become, the feelings in my heart yearned for a cleansing. For the opportunity to truly forgive myself and realize, the things I had been a part of do not need to define me or be who I AM. I choose who I am and I know the true me. There are people in this world who have decided they know me. The TRUE me. Sadly, some of them got to know me at a time when I was lost and didn't know the real me yet. When I left their lives, they see where I am now and do not see it as real because they believe they know better. Based on a period of time in my life I wish I could re-do with a little more wisdom, hindsight and love for myself. That, however, is never how it works. We don't get second chances at life. Time is a fickle beast. All we can do is move forwards and learn from our history, to become who we can truly blossom into.

For me, I actually feel like I have begun to unite the roots I lovingly appreciate my family gave me, the lessons I have learned through forgiveness of others and of myself during hard times, and the faith I have worked so hard to come back to.

When I say I worked hard, it was myself causing the difficulties in my path. Being on the other side of a mountain then going back to the original side, it's hard to forget what the other side looked like. I used to be such an innocent member. Always putting faith into motion and believing things based on the idea that I could never be lied to by an authority figure. Now, on the other hand, I feel some people still see through those eyes. I feel different. Like I question everything and everyone. Sometimes I truly miss the "ignorance is bliss" feeling. It's a real thing. Then again, I look at my inquisitive nature and my constantly searching mind for the depths I go on each subject and I thank my Heavenly Father for the experiences he gave me. Being a parent now of my step-children, I remember what my ex-mother-in-law used to talk about when she would talk about hating free agency for kids. Because it can be so scary. But I actually have found a way to embrace it. Because no matter where my kids go and what they do, I will love them. No matter what mistake is made or what crime they have committed. That is life. It does not define them, it helps them create their own definition of either who they are, or who they will not become.

I am so grateful for today. I am out of that darkness that once consumed my thoughts and mind. I don't feel lost. I feel alive. I feel like I have been filled with purpose. My family is a husband that laughs with me, shares his mind with me and supports me. My step-children are kind and loving with enough quirkiness to keep the world ever-changing and interesting as a parent. (I could NEVER call them dull!). And this little angel growing inside me is my butterfly. I feel her flipping around in there and nudging me, getting my attention, taking a stretch or even hiccupping and I am insanely happy. I don't have everything. I am not famous. I didn't stay married to my first husband. My family is not the traditional type and I don't have a clean, sinless record. But I have the atonement. I have my faith which has become a solid mounting place for my feet to stand firmly on. I have my dearest loving amazing husband, who, like me, is not perfect, but striving to always be better than yesterday. I have so much. My parents support and love me, my siblings are all hilariously crazy but loving and my life couldn't be happier.

I encourage you to look around you in your life. See people for who they have become today. If you have known someone from years passed, are they different now? Do you still judge them from yesteryear? Give them the opportunity to show their true colors. The colors that shine when they feel truly happy.

 

An old friend of mine used to say he was happy because his emotions and his mind were best friends. I think we all need to work everyday to find that balance. If you are not happy today, there is hope. Nothing is final. There is always a road you can turn onto that will change your direction if the way you are going is feeling darker and darker. Believe in yourself. Believe that you deserve to be happy. Others may feel you do not. They don't know the inner you. The one wanting to change. Listen to that person. They are the one who matters. Own your story. I promise, if you do, it will have a great ending.

Unique to Our Generation

So I have a great marriage. I'm going to start with that because I don't want anyone to think this post is going to be a large rant that is anti men or pro women or the other way around. It is, however, an observation of the generational gaps that have happened in marriage since we were young kids.

I am 31 in a month and my husband is 35. Our generation, as children, experienced some of the best entertainment revolutions that have yet to have happened. Movies, cartoons and television were booming in the 80's and 90's. Legos, cult classic movies and Michael Jackson were all part of our upbringing. One of the largest changes that happened, however, was video games. Originally aimed at intriguing the minds of the young, video games were the wave of the future. I remember having an original Sega machine. We then graduated to a Sega Genesis. This was a big deal in our house. Most had Nintendo gaming systems, this being the rival of Sega. These were the only two that were predominantly taking over the minds of the children across the world. My brothers would play for hours. I loved Sonic the Hedgehog and Street Fighter. :) We would get one game, move to the next once we either got it from Santa, a birthday, or saved our pennies.

At this point, I'm sure you're thinking this entry is going to head in the direction of how video games impact the youth of today vs. the youth of yesteryear. Actually no. There are lots of scientific studies on this impact on children. Many related to violent teens, angry children and attention deficit disorders. This is not my purpose today. Instead, my purpose is to bring the correlation into how this revolutionary time spender (some would say waster) has affected marriage in people today.

I wish I could say I'm writing a giant thesis for college or conducting a psychological study. I'm not. I am a married woman in my 30's making a notable observation and would love for someone to actually study this topic because I think it's worth noting. While we all know that electronic devices, the internet and gaming systems are effecting our children so largely today (adhd, behavioral issues, impatience, appreciation deficit issues, etc) I find the connection to the children of yesteryear (my generation) and the marital struggles we have now to be intertwined.

So, it is a widely known fact that we write our own destinies. However, we also know a large piece of each of us is designed to be similar to that of our parents. Not only genetically, but also by sheer observation through the course of our lives. We do what we know. We know what we see. We see the adult influences in our lives for years until we decide to seek out our own. This is not to say you will be divorced if your parents are divorced. Absolutely not. You can learn from other's choices for sure.
But let me ask you this question: Did your father ever have an addiction to video games problem?
My guess is no. He did not. It wasn't his generation. I have known so many women that have grown to marry men who still play video games that are now being designed for their age groups. They use this as their hobby outlet. Most of these women have it as a source of contention in their marriage because they view it as a child's hobby. This is because video games came out to play when we were children. They also feel it takes their place as a time spender. So what do we do with it today? Many women have restrictions on their husband's gaming times or length in playing. Others forbid them all around. This causing the couple to fight or argue regarding the freedoms we all deserve, have or desire. Fairness becomes an issue as she may still shop when bored, but he is not allowed to play a video game....?

My excerpt today is not to be for or against this, but rather, to mark it as an issue that most don't discuss because they don't know how to handle it. It's new for us. It's new for the world to have this source of contention in marriage. Video games. Seen as a child's hobby has now transcended into an adult outlet for freedom and expression. But how much is too much? Is this to be forbidden?

My husband has an addictive personality. Our lives are too structured for the most part. They are scheduled to the minute of every day it feels like. So when, on the rare occasion, there is unscheduled or "free" time, he wants to jump on it and stretch it like there's no tomorrow. Like a person dieting that is finally told they can eat cake but they eat the whole thing. There have been times that I struggle feeling in competition with the video games he plays. I finally get free time and want to go on a date or what not. But he deserves an outlet just like me.

My suggestion to the married couples with this unique generational issue? Talk about it. Men, don't get defensive. She's not trying to steel your freedom, she's trying to figure out where she fits into your free time. Women? Don't restrict him like you're his mommy. This will end badly. Every time. Don't yell at him at the mention of the game. This is his hobby. It is no longer a childish hobby. Not anymore, this is a hobby that has come through and graduated the generations. Accept it like playing a guitar or reading a book, this is his personal free time. So budget your time. Talk it through, and allow each other those outlets that please you as long as they don't hurt others. If you are the girl and addicted to the video game and your husband wants more of your time, then simply switch the genders I have mentioned above! Just always know, if you are choosing a video game over your spouse every time, there needs to be a change. You need time as a couple to reconnect, and this will simply take your favorite free time activity and poison it in your relationship as being the wedge. Make a plan together as a compromise to not restrict each other from the things you each love to do with your personal free time. I promise, your marriage will feel so much better when he plays and it doesn't bother you anymore because you know you'll get your time with him soon too. :)

Good luck to you all!

Sincerely,

Crissy~

Baby Reveal!!!

So the time has finally come! We got to go in for our appointment to see how our baby is growing and what gender our baby is. We loved this ultrasound :-) they got a picture of between the legs as of baby was sitting on a glass table and we were looking up from underneath. 

ITS A GIRL!!! 

The ultrasound's picture to prove it weren't super easy to see so here is the cool picture of our baby :-) you can actually see her face! 

To announce it to the world of our family and friends, we held a gender reveal party :-) however, waiting a day and a 1/2 to tell everyone was brutal for me. Next time it will be the day of. Haha

Shannen made a cake and some cupcakes, I decorated and made sandwiches and veggies and pink and blue juice. I also had a tray for everyone to pick if they thought it was a girl or a boy and a name suggestions jar. I got the pictures a little later than I should have so the tray was practically empty by the time I took it. But I got a lot of help from Shannen, Rachel and Ashley in getting the party going. Thank goodness!! 

We had so much fun! I am so thankful for everyone who came and was a part of our excitement with us :-) 

Puppy dogs and Lady's night.

This past week has been a fun one :-) well, not for everybody...

We noticed the other day poor Bella had sores on her chin :-(
We aren't sure exactly what happened but the vet has some theories. We are now giving her an antibiotic and an antihistamine to try and help it go down. They are thinking it could be an allergic action to hard plastic toys like the frisby she chews or possibly her kennel we switched her to. Not sure yet but I'm determined to figure it out so we can fix it. Poor Bella :-( 

To make matters a little worse for her that day, Owen decided it was time for a shave. Haha. Poor girl now has sores on her chin and is naked....

Also this weekend, was the General Women's Conference. I absolutely love this time of year. I always feel like it ushers in the fall season. It's like the beginning of great traditions followed by fun games. Family is so important to me. This tradition is where all the ladies of my family get together for dinner and to go listen to the apostles and general women leaders give us guidance. A couple years ago they started allowing the young girls ages 8 and older go to the Women's Conference. This is so awesome for me because it means Jessica has started being able to come with. She isn't always at our house the weekends they take place, but when she is, I absolutely love that she can be a part of this tradition. 

I didn't get a ton of pics, but my Mom insisted on a pic of me and my sisters (Missing Vanessa) 

We went to Johnny Rockets for dinner then on to the conference at our stake center. It was a great meeting! President Uchtdorf told a beautiful story of a little girl going to her aunt Rose's house for the summer. She learned how to be happy both in life and spiritually. Jessica and I had a very nice time. I love the intelligent and worthy young women she is becoming.

Bats and Boys Night!

I love this time of year!!! I admit to being a little early on the timer but we decorated for Halloween this week :) The kids helped me out. My philosophy is to get something new each year to contribute to the Halloween decorations. Same thing with Thanksgiving and Christmas. We still have to put up the stuff outside and the stuff up on the high ledge. I haven't done that because climbing the big ladder doesn't sound super appealing to me while pregnant. haha. But I have a husband who is a good sport. :) I'll enlist his help in the matter.

Since I was a kid, we didn't decorate a ton for Halloween, but I realized, I like Halloween decorations as long as they aren't super nasty lookin. haha. It is no secret, I hate scary movies and I don't like being afraid to sit in any room of my own house. Soooo haha we just keep it Halloween, but not scaretastic

This week Jessica got the opportunity to go hunting with her step-dad Ryan. We usually have the kids over Tuesday and Wednesday. They left Wednesday so we had after school with Mitchell until 7 by ourselves :) We decided to enjoy this time with him alone and make it all about him. He wanted homemade hamburgers and his favorite onion dip Owen makes. (I think it's gross lol). He also wanted a hair cut so the boys went to get their hair done while I cleaned up a little. Mitchell was all sorts of excited to lighten his hair load so he doesn't get so sweaty when he runs away from girls at recess ;) hahahaha Love this boy so much!

 

 

 

My cute boys :)

 

My Faith

I don't write about religion very often. I find it personal. I feel it is my beliefs and I don't like when others feel the right to break them apart for the purpose of changing me or hurting me.

I find it amazing the way the world is dividing. Watching it in real time is kind of amazing/terrifying. Something I have found more prevalent lately is the feeling that if I am a religious person, people don't want to hear it or see it. To just keep it to myself. I believe 100% in not pushing my beliefs on others. I will share my beliefs with you if you ask, or if you have questions, but I will not force others to accept what I believe. With that, I hold an expectation to others to give me the same courtesy. Do not make me change or hush my beliefs because they make you uncomfortable. I do believe in God. How sad that the world makes that statement seem so archaic or outlived. What is wrong with holding a belief that helps you through your troubles? That encourages friendship and love and assists in coping with hardships in life? It exists to bring hope. To encourage faith. Not hate. Anyone who says otherwise is only looking to make religion a motion to silence other people. And that, is not God's plan.

More and more, people are believing that to be a teenager means to party or drink or make mistakes. I was a teenager who partied, meaning I went to parties where we played pool and listened to music and watched movies and laughed playing games with each other. We went to lakes and swam and boated and hiked and danced in dancing groups and traveled with my choir group and performed in the school plays and other stuff outside of school. I loved going to concerts and getting dressed up with my friends to meet new people at church dances or new friend parties that didn't actually involve alcohol. I am not weird for this. I am not crazy. I learned to cultivate my brain instead of my addictions. I learned who I am, not who I can't control because of an illegal substance. I learned social skills with my head clear. I learned how to take care of myself abroad and to take care of my friends whenever they needed me. I learned my strengths and my weaknesses.

I'm tired of the world telling me what is "normal" as if to fall into a lifestyle of unhappiness and sadness is "normal". The jokes about being a teenager are plagued with bad decisions and circumstances of regret. The jokes of marriage are all ball and chain oriented. The naggy wife. The man with his mancave. The idea that once you are married, "Game Over". Wrong. At least, not my marriage. The world may tell me that is normal. The world may tell me that is standard. Well I believe in something better.

I am divorced and remarried. I am not perfect. I have never professed to be. I have questioned my faith. I think we all should. The leaders of our church had to in order to know the path they should take. There is nothing wrong with personal journeying. There is nothing wrong with discovering oneself through mistakes either, but to believe that we HAVE to be a certain way because the world proclaims it, is so far off base.

The world is divided currently on the belief regarding homosexual marriage. I am a religious person. I believe that God loves all of us. No matter our sexual orientation. I believe I don't know why some decide to live the way they live. Whether it be their "nature" or their preference decided later in life, I believe in love. I don't believe I can tell a man or a woman who they can or cannot marry. That is not my call. I believe I can tell myself who I can or cannot marry. That is it. God is the judge. Thank goodness I don't have to be. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I feel like I can't tell everyone that or they will be "offended" or they will judge me as a bigot. I feel like people resent and even hate religious posts. They either find them old fashioned, self righteous or judgmental. They see me as a bigot because I stand with a religion that states homosexual relations are immoral. I am not a bigot. The act of homosexuality is a personal decision and personal preference. Again, I am not the judge. God is. And I am so glad because I don't want that stress. I don't want to feel like my job in this world is to "fix" people. To change them. It will not happen. God gave us the beautiful gift of Free Agency. He has to uphold his end of that law. God does not intervene when someone is choosing their life most of the time because it is their God given right to choose how they will live and what they will do. I live by that same law.

I had a friend who does not believe in God say once, "How could a God, if there is one, allow such horrible things to happen to children and good people all over the world?". My answer to that, is because he is God. He is bound to uphold the rules of Free Agency he gave us. If a woman decides to harm her children, we all know how we feel about it, but it doesn't change the fact that she may choose to do it anyway. The same is true for those who choose fast food and weight gain over healthy living and exercise. We make choices every day. There will always be someone somewhere close by to tell us when and where we make "wrong" decisions in our lives. Here's my line: if your choices are not hurting others, then by all means, keep on living your way. I draw the line at cruelty or abuse. But homosexual marriage is not abuse. It is not cruelty. It is love based. It is a choice, one that is not mine to judge.

Love is one of the most amazing gifts we have in this world. I love all my earthly brothers and sisters. Whether they be my religion, no religion or any other. Whether they be white skinned, or any color of the rainbow. Whether they love someone who is religiously sanctioned for them or not.
I believe in God. I believe in love, and I believe in being who we are to the fullest. Not ashamed to be the current underdog. Religion may not be popular. But it is who I am. And I am proud of it.

"He that loveth not, knoweth not God, for God is love" - 1 John 4:8

35 is Alive!

Happy Birthday you Hunk-a-Hunk of burnin love! lol. (straight out of my mama's playbook of phrases)

Owen turned 35 on September 10th. I had fun picking his gift this year. I had his brother be my partner in crime and throw him off my scent talking to him about specs of flying copters. It worked like a charm :)

He loved his present!! After gift time, we went out for his favorite. SUSHI!!! (don't worry, I had grilled teriyaki chicken instead ;) )

A few days later, we took the kids (including Bella) to the park and played with the new present :) Bella can jump so high!!! But not high enough! haha

Happy Birthday to my amazing husband. He is my bestie. My bud. And my love.