When I was 14, I took my first plane ride ever. I was going to New York City with my dad. He had a business trip there scheduled for the week and my dad decided it would be a great experience for me. My aunt lived there and the plan was for me to hang with him at night, shop around and read while he worked in the day but then hang out with her one day and let her show me around Manhattan. We did everything! I went into the Two Towers (rest in peace), we saw Les Miserables on Broadway, we shopped til we dropped and had great food. When I got back from my trip, I took my film to my mom and wanted to go get it developed right away. I was excited to see the random dude in a kilt I snapped shots of while crossing a street, the poses next to Ursula and Ariel my aunt and I made in the Disney store, the colorfully tattooed people making out at Virgin Records and the illegal shots I took with my flash off of Les Mis. When my mom took the film in, the photos came back blank. The film got exposed somehow in the developing process. Everything gone. I was crushed. The only thing I have left is a little wooden saying I bought from a random rack on the street which I'm sure involved drug trafficking and money laundering in some form or another (this is my sheltered side coming out), that stated the following: "A heart that has lost the will to sing is like a butterfly with a broken wing".
Years later I realize, looking at that quote, that little wooden plaque is the only thing I need to remember what I experienced there. A taste for a life I always wanted.
Now don't get me wrong. I love my family. They are kind, they are loving, they are fun... but the feeling I get when I taste the air of independence and change makes me come alive. Something about the air in big cities (minus the instant lung cancer) brings a feeling of freedom.
I love music. I went through a time in my life where I thought everyone knew me and what I wanted. I made the mistake of surrounding my life in everything BUT music and paid the price. I feel like I wallpapered away into the crowd. My husband never knew me to do music, so when I started doing it, it was a change for him. My family never knew me not to do music, so when I was married working 3 jobs, they didn't know me anymore either.
For the past year, I have been making some drastic changes in my life. I got another office job for one, but this one is positive. The environment is good and the people are interesting to me. I don't mind the work and I don't feel abused by the end of the day. I got married to the funniest, cutest, weirdest guy I know. (coming from the queen of the weirdos). I can't explain my feelings for him some days. It's just a feeling. Something pulling me. I realized that even though I was not planning on marriage for quite some time when I got divorced, I knew I didn't know how to live my life smiling without him there. I could live, but it wouldn't have been as special. We got married in June and even though that may have been the most stressful time of my life, it was beautiful. It was special, and we pulled it off. Right after the wedding, I made a decision. Music. It has to continue in my life. It is always in my heart, hence the surprise when people don't know this about me. But one has to live their passions for people to see and classify them as a *insert professional talent*.
So I started taking guitar again. I have started writing again. I contacted a dear friend of mine and we have started a new band. My songs. It's so refreshing to not be singing backup in a band anymore. While that was fun and sated my need for the time being there for a couple years, it's far past the time for me to have my own show.
Each one of the people in my life that I love and hate contribute to my musical creations. I have to say thank you. Strange to realize I'm thanking people I hate, but in truth, they reveal a reality many people cannot explain. That's why music exists. To express the seemingly inexpressible. I will list when I start performing around town. It will be in the next 2 months. Wish me luck everyone. Love you all. And thanks again for everything you have all contributed. ~
No comments:
Post a Comment