Sad times

So not every experience is a positive one in life. I try to keep this blog petty happy, but every now and then, a sad event will take place that effects us so deeply that we can't ignore or will it away. So instead I will document it. After this tragic event, a friend in my neighborhood requested I follow her page called Monday Morning Mommy on Facebook. She didn't know what had happened to me, but this called out to me as a great opportunity to seek support through the struggle I was facing. So I posted the story on this page. I feel I worded it well in that post. So, I think instead of trying to duplicate those sentiments again, I will instead paste what I wrote here. 

Disclaimer: I also wrote this in the context that many people in my neighborhood still don't know me and question the lifestyle of a step mother. So I also touch on that in this post. Here it is: 

I apologize in advance for the novel....

Being invited to this page means a lot to me, for multiple reasons. First, because it is amazing how many women out there will treat me differently or with lesser respect because my children are my step-children. Most women will use verbiage like, well when you're a REAL mother....then continue their thought. I have learned so strongly that giving birth alone does not a mother make. It is all the moments in the day and the millions of seemingly microscopic decisions that help your children feel loved by you. Putting the spatula down, walking around the counter and helping Mitchell read a word that he is stuck on and doesn't know the meaning of, helps him understand that I actually care more about him than my schedule. I know and respect that giving birth to a child is so miraculous. That it is an experience no one can understand fully until they have done it themselves. But I have held him when he was a baby at 2am with both of us crying because he was sick and I was so tired and new I had to work a full day the next morning. I have been in church when his diaper overloaded with diarrhea all over my dress or held Jessica while she's crying with a fever that won't break. I've bandaged cuts, hugged for so long they start trying to wiggle away, laughed, cried, taught and tried new things with my children. I love that I was asked to join this group because while I am not linked by blood to my children, I have adopted them in my heart and into my life by choice and feel as much a mother in most cases as any other woman. I feel frustrations and struggles and I'm so grateful to have other women nearby that I can relate with and learn from and maybe even offer some insight on my own that could potentially help others, though I'm sure I will learn more from you all.

That being said, I move on to the second reason I am grateful to be part of this group. I love my children as my own. I have told them that they can think of me like that deer that took care of kittens when their mommy wasn't there. I am not a cat like them, but I can still watch over them like a mother would. However, I look at them and I see Owen, I see their biological mother, I even see their grandparents or Owen's siblings in them....but I don't see me. I know they pick things up from my influence in their lives, but they don't have pieces of me that make up where they come from and why they are the way they are. For a while now, I have wanted to know my biological children. Owen and I have been trying but I started to worry that I would not be able to get pregnant. Last week, I found out I was pregnant. 5 weeks along. I have never felt so much excitement, joy and disbelief all at one time. I made Owen keep reading the test because I have seen so many negatives, I almost couldn't believe it. In my excitement, I start doing what so many do, I bought the pregnancy app that shows me the growth of my baby, I set up my first appointment with my doctor, I started thinking of all the cute ways to tell my parents, then everyone else, etc. 

On Saturday night, I had a nervous tummy. Anxiety wouldn't quit. I told Owen I felt worried. What if I lost the baby? He told me to stop thinking about that. So we watched a comedy movie to distract my thoughts and I fell asleep. 

Sunday morning I woke up and my phone dinged. "you are now officially 6 weeks along and your baby is the size of a grain of rice..." I was so excited. I took my phone into the bathroom with me (don't tell me you've never done that, I won't believe you) and I read everything about it that the app could offer. Then I looked down. I was bleeding. Owen and I called the on-call doctor and she said this can happen in the first trimester but if it's accompanied by cramps, then it is most likely a miscarriage. Soon to follow was the worst cramping I have ever experienced. All I could think was, I am broken. Worst. Easter. Ever. The day was filled with tears and sorrow and pain both physically and emotionally. It was just too perfect. We could have announced it on Mother's Day, I would have had a big belly on Halloween, the baby would have had a November birthday like me and we'd have a little elf baby in a stocking for Christmas. But no more.

On Monday, I went in for blood work. It confirmed I was miscarrying. This is why I wasn't at book club this week. I have been looking forward to it for a while actually. I have been needing to connect with people nearby but I was still kind of a mess and new I would just be a cry fest. I figured that wouldn't be the best way to get to know me. 

Now for the silver lining. These past two weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. Hope, happiness, fear, pain, tears, knowledge and acceptance. But most of all, I have learned a few things I can now use to build my hope for the future. I now know I am capable of becoming pregnant. I know I am not completely broken. Everyone likes to tell me how common miscarriage is. Millions of mothers do it. Many feel you almost have to miscarry first in order for your body to prep to keep it the next time. I understand all these points, and they make perfect sense... though it doesn't take away the feeling of loss when your hopes have been up so high. 

So,I got on my knees. I thanked Heavenly Father for the knowledge I now have of my body. For the hope and faith I can now lean on for the future. This baby may not have been mine to have now, but I know that everything happens for a reason. I am grateful to be a member of this group because you just gave me the forum to express my feelings about this. It has been so hard and I have felt very alone. So, thank you. I love you ladies. Hopefully soon I will have a baby of mine own to cry with at 2am but until that day, I hope you can all be ok with me giving the experience of a step mother who loves her kids. (and I promise, not every comment I leave will be an autobiography of my month) ;)