Well my story hasn't gone the way I "knew" it would when I was younger. I used to have issues recapping my story in my own mind. Thinking, "how did this happen this way??". I used to have dark days where I would cry feeling like I had become such a failure in my life. I never thought I would get divorced. I never thought the skeletons in my own closet would exist. Not ever. I grew up trying my whole life to always do the right thing. I had moments where I would kick against and try to be independent of rules...but eventually caved because I hate feeling like I have done the wrong thing.
Now, looking back, I think I didn't know how to make any good decisions in my life. There are lots of things I could blame, but that story is probably a novel I'll write one day. To sum up, I got married before I knew myself, before he knew himself, and while I was a struggling with my identity, my faith, my values and my goals. In short, I devoted my life to supporting others so much that one day, I just exploded out in all the wrong directions. Like a girl struggling with an eating disorder that started a no sugar diet....I binged on all the wrong chocolate cake I could find.....
I have come to believe with all my heart we have to be who we are NOT, in order to learn who we really are.
A couple years ago, a friend of mine gave me this saying that I have hung in my cubicle at work ever since:
This quote has helped me so much through the years. I, by nature, am a person that begins to rot when I dwell on my anxiety and the past that I cannot change. It has taken me years to truly "own my story". It has been quite the road for me.
One of the hardest things I have ever had to do is crawl back to my faith on my hands and knees. I say it this way because it is not something I decided to do lightly. The faith in which I believe is not a church that is simple to be a part of. It is a lifestyle. A decision to be not only a certain type of person, but a person that commits to many many things most would see as sacrifices. But in evaluating where I had been, where I was going, and who I truly had become, the feelings in my heart yearned for a cleansing. For the opportunity to truly forgive myself and realize, the things I had been a part of do not need to define me or be who I AM. I choose who I am and I know the true me. There are people in this world who have decided they know me. The TRUE me. Sadly, some of them got to know me at a time when I was lost and didn't know the real me yet. When I left their lives, they see where I am now and do not see it as real because they believe they know better. Based on a period of time in my life I wish I could re-do with a little more wisdom, hindsight and love for myself. That, however, is never how it works. We don't get second chances at life. Time is a fickle beast. All we can do is move forwards and learn from our history, to become who we can truly blossom into.
For me, I actually feel like I have begun to unite the roots I lovingly appreciate my family gave me, the lessons I have learned through forgiveness of others and of myself during hard times, and the faith I have worked so hard to come back to.
When I say I worked hard, it was myself causing the difficulties in my path. Being on the other side of a mountain then going back to the original side, it's hard to forget what the other side looked like. I used to be such an innocent member. Always putting faith into motion and believing things based on the idea that I could never be lied to by an authority figure. Now, on the other hand, I feel some people still see through those eyes. I feel different. Like I question everything and everyone. Sometimes I truly miss the "ignorance is bliss" feeling. It's a real thing. Then again, I look at my inquisitive nature and my constantly searching mind for the depths I go on each subject and I thank my Heavenly Father for the experiences he gave me. Being a parent now of my step-children, I remember what my ex-mother-in-law used to talk about when she would talk about hating free agency for kids. Because it can be so scary. But I actually have found a way to embrace it. Because no matter where my kids go and what they do, I will love them. No matter what mistake is made or what crime they have committed. That is life. It does not define them, it helps them create their own definition of either who they are, or who they will not become.
I am so grateful for today. I am out of that darkness that once consumed my thoughts and mind. I don't feel lost. I feel alive. I feel like I have been filled with purpose. My family is a husband that laughs with me, shares his mind with me and supports me. My step-children are kind and loving with enough quirkiness to keep the world ever-changing and interesting as a parent. (I could NEVER call them dull!). And this little angel growing inside me is my butterfly. I feel her flipping around in there and nudging me, getting my attention, taking a stretch or even hiccupping and I am insanely happy. I don't have everything. I am not famous. I didn't stay married to my first husband. My family is not the traditional type and I don't have a clean, sinless record. But I have the atonement. I have my faith which has become a solid mounting place for my feet to stand firmly on. I have my dearest loving amazing husband, who, like me, is not perfect, but striving to always be better than yesterday. I have so much. My parents support and love me, my siblings are all hilariously crazy but loving and my life couldn't be happier.
I encourage you to look around you in your life. See people for who they have become today. If you have known someone from years passed, are they different now? Do you still judge them from yesteryear? Give them the opportunity to show their true colors. The colors that shine when they feel truly happy.
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